It's time

Hi Guys,

I am thinking of starting a cult and am currently looking for
disciples. Ideally, I would like to have 400-450 followers by July,
but I am willing to make do with 20 or so fanatics until things get
off the ground.

Is this something you might be interested in? Could you picture
yourself as part of a fun, interesting social group devoted to a
clearly-defined set of pseudo-religious principles? If so, then read
on.

As of yet, no name has been selected for the organization. I’m
thinking of something along the lines of “The Sacred Order of All That
Is”, which we’re currently running through legal for trademark
clearance. “The Chosen Many” has also garnered much internal support,
but my fear is that it’ll come off as “gimmicky” which is the kiss of
death for any self-respecting cult.

Naturally, I will be the leader/messiah because it was my idea. This
is only fair. I assure you, however, that I am infinitely qualified
for the position and that, over time, you will come to worship and
adore me as much, if not more than any other cult leader/messiah. I am
very compassionate and understanding and wear unusual glasses, and
speak with an accent. Soon you will find yourself pulling all sorts of
crazy stunts at my behest, and loving every minute of it.

But let’s get down to the nuts and bolts: What do I believe in? I have
settled on a few basic truths, which I have entitled The Few Basic
Truths. These are as follows, and should be memorized immediately:

a.) Society is a congregation of Evil and should be avoided at all
costs, except for things like picking up beer / groceries or going to
a concert / movie.

b.) Life is finite. This is a very important metaphysical concept that
places our day-to-day activities in a proper historical context, and,
more importantly, justifies the various orgies I am envisioning on our
ranch. (More on this later—There may be zoning violations of which
I am unaware.)

c.) All that Is, Is. All that Isn’t, Isn’t. Isn’t that all there Is?

Anyway, that’s where I am with that. You can appreciate that the
organizational details are taking away a lot of My precious time, so I
haven’t been able to sit down and hammer out any sort of cohesive
doctrine yet. Trust me, though, it will come and it will be good.

As for our meeting place (i.e., our Compound) I am currently pricing
out ranches in Upstate New York. Something reasonably remote, but not
so far away that we won’t be able to pop into town for a movie every
now and then. Until then, we’ll be having our meetings at Tom & Jerry
in the east-village. Dress is casual, as in, completely nude. Please
note, I am exempt from the whole nudity thing because I am the
Messiah.

Now, if you’ve never been in a cult before, it’s natural that you’d be
a little wary. I assure you, though, it’s much simpler than you’d
expect. Just follow these easy steps:

1.) Attend a few meetings. Get to feel comfortable with the cult and
our members. We’re not trying to pressure you into anything, and we
certainly won’t brainwash you. We’re not trying to pressure you into
anything, and we certainly won’t brainwash you. We’re not trying to
pressure you into anything, and we certainly won’t brainwash you.

2.) Sign up. At this point, you will be asked to make a nominal
donation of all your Earthly Belongings and any property that you may
own or plan to own. You are also responsible for bringing your own
beer.

3.) Congratulations. You’re now one of us.

See, that wasn’t hard at all, was it? So, if you’re looking for
something fun to do this summer, join my cult. I look forward to
teaching you all about The Many Things, and saving you all from
yourselves.

Yours truly;

The Messiah

P.S. Please Keep May 5th open (cinco de mayo) for our first status meeting over frozen margaritas!

(ps. I wish I could take credit but this is a found document, not sure of it's original origin) -bk